Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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