You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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