Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
