a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
