If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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