Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
