I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
