the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
