Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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