I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
