There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
