Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
