Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
