true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
