hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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