shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
