i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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