Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
