I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
