shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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