Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
