Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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