i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
