Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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