Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
