I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
