she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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