Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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