I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i love accidental penises.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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