I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
