I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
