Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
