so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
