Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
