Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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