Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
