I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
