did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
People in love make me want to vomit
there was a trapeze. enough said
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
