Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
