Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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