Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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