yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
