I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
