Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
