The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
