he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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