God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
