the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
