Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
