my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
